journal Entry.

I am going to let this be sloppy because it is a journal entry for me. I just need to spew some thoughts into the world right now.

I am weary, I am so weary of trying to look like a Christian. Even at peaks in my intimacy with the Lord I spend more of my time finding things to do for Him or for my Christian image then just being with him. How did this relationship become so much about everything but the relationship?

I worry and fret about if I am showing fruits of the spirit, witnessing enough, serving in the right areas, if my words were encouraging all day, in a sense I am consumed with "sin management" and the projection of who I want people to think I am. I work so hard to be the "cool" christian who is not judgmental and expects the supernatural. By trying to be counter-cultural to the average conservative Christian I am only feeding the larger stereotype of the "fake Chrisitan" because I am not just being myself.

Oh Lord, let me receive the freedom that you died for me to have! My actions announce that I think that I can make up a better person than the Lord has made me. I am penting up all of myself in insecurity and I want that to stop, I simply want to be comfortable with who I am and not crave people's approval so very much!!

I find myself unafraid of tasks the Lord gives me, I can manage most of them in my own strength (rather sloppily), but I am terrified of entering into intimacy with Him. I know He will consume me entirely if I enter too deeply, I know there will be no turning back, I will get lost in His love and be a fool for His name.

"But if I say, 'I will not remember Him

Or speak anymore in His name'

Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire

shut up in my bones;

and I am weary of holding it in,

and I cannot endure it." Jer 20:9

I like holding onto the physical, things I know how to do and staying at a safe distance from the Living God where He doesnt't seem so very real.

Lord I pray you would open my heart to real communion with you, true obedience and reliance on you spirit, calm and peace in who I truly am in you. I pray I would not be running after an image I think you want me to have but rather I would finally know how beautiful You have made me.

You are the great I AM and however scary it is for me, will You please consume me with Your love and glory, may I feel You walk beside me constantly as a husband and friend and brother. Guide me Friend, comfort me Husband, whisper to me Creator.

I long to feel the weight and confidence of your wedding ring on my finger as I walk into a room.

"It will come about in that day,'

declares the Lord,

'That you will call me Ishi (husband)

and no longer call me

Baali (master)"

Hosea 2:16