Accomplishment-fed Rest.

Walking out in the sun today, Holy Spirit soul-whisper rolled through me. Reminded me that the accomplishment-fed rest that settles me in bed at night, is not all there is. That swift movement and lots of check marks on my list, meant nothing if I hath not love.

I move through life so internalized on getting things done that when phone rings, Mom, I half-hover over ignore, before a tired half

‘hello?’

and grumble

‘the middle of something,’

 get back to sluggery of online glow job ads. Let Pinterest trickle through every 5 minutes or so as that ‘there’s still bright in life’ relief.

I farm more than just online—there’s gym, date, read, write, eat right, play, pay, pray, relax, God time, time with family, me time, going out time, look at the time time, forget the time time, instagram time—

When my day is checklisted and all to-dos, what life is there left in me but “I got a lot done today” (practically dead) sleep.

No, that whisper yelled—

                                    SLOW.

                                                DOWN.

                                               

                                                            It’s not about how much you get done—

                                                            but how you do it.

And while we’re at it…

                                                            Destiny isn’t what you accomplish

                                                            But who you are.

Is not the laughing farmers wife with muddied, glee-eyed kids greater in destiny than the full-pursed, Armani suit, with cinder eyes? Or even the serious, downtrodden missionary with no joy left for those he would save?

It’s scary, this slowing. This unbearable lightness of just—being. The slow soul that sees dappled green light leaves, the rib cage that opens enough to listen—the relationships that pipe fresh when you do…and all the hope that beauty floods. All piling up on that shambled roof called fear of disappointment, almost making it crumble. Under the weight, fear whimpers, ‘all will let down.’ Too heavy, the glory. So we hide. Again.

Get out the magazine, distract, list out all we desire. Our veil hanging by a thread, lace up our feet, all ready to complete more things when

                                                            BLAM

Some sunset, some stream’s quiet babbling charm, some arm, some ‘Daddy, up!’, some God-vision, some book, some poem, some dream, all SCREAM…WAKE! UP!

“Then you will look and be radiant,

your heart will throb and swell with joy;

the wealth on the seas will be brought to you,

to you the riches of the nations will come.”

Isaiah 60:5

He is doing something majestic in the earth and I want to see it, to really see it. Not just do it, like I have to make a grade, but drink in His glory with my soul and breathe awe at this human life.

Because it is not necessarily about how much you get done, but how you do it.

Remember who you are, be engaged. That your light may be seen bright and not shuffled behind the busyness of this world.

“Arise, shine, for your light has come,


    and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.

See, darkness covers the earth
    

and thick darkness is over the peoples,


but the Lord rises upon you
    

and his glory appears over you.

Nations will come to your light,   

and kings to the brightness of your dawn.

“Lift up your eyes and look about you:
    

All assemble and come to you”

Isaiah 60:1-4

Love, Natalie

Cyborg.

         

            The Christmas season has come upon us and passed by so quickly... as it does every year. I was planning on writing this blog earlier...but I was too busy eating cookies. This year I have been fascinated by the cyborg element of Christmas.           
             Typically when we think of the word cyborg, images of half machine-half humans come to mind. However this term really just means the human body in direct collaboration with something else. According to theories by Derrida and Harraway it can include a blending with animal body parts such as a primate heart in a human body. It can even include our use of language (an invented tool) that allows us to think and speak. I want to take that concept a little bit farther and include Jesus as a cyborg, a blending of two things.
           
            Yahweh had unlimited options of how to get his son on earth: he could have materialized him at age 30, he could have had him be mary and joseph's son, or he could have had him arrive in a whirlwind of fire. But instead, he chose to partner WITH humanity. He overshadowed Mary and created his son as a hybrid of humanity and divinity, fully God and fully human.
         
           This is the supreme example of what he wants his church to look like. Ever since pentecost Jesus' followers have been cyborgs, fully human and yet filled with God in the person of the Holy Spirit. Our physical bodies are temples for God. God is not interested in doing everything for you while you sit on the couch. God is certainly not interested in you doing everything for him while he sits on the couch. Instead he is looking for a marriage.
         
         He called his church his bride for a reason, he wants to do things WITH us. When Mary partnered with God it created the most beautiful thing this earth has ever seen, Jesus. In this next season, let's partner with God and see what beautiful cyborgs (partly God, partly human) we can birth.
           

VICTORY...thanks grandpa.

A few months ago my grandpa passed away, today he gave me a gift.

I have BIG dreams in life, I want to change this place before I go, I want to make a difference and help people. I want to hold the victims of sex trafficking and let me them cry their stories until there is nothing left to be said, I want to feed the children in this world until they are full enough to run after the dreams they were created to fulfill, I want to love my husband with everything I am and be super woman for my children. I want to be a force to be reckoned with and a friend who can always be relied on. I want to be beautiful and loving and fierce and strong.

But today doubt crept in, I felt defeated, unworthy, and hopeless. Mostly I felt alone.

So what else was there to do? I prayed. I crawled into bed and cried, I wept and asked Jesus why I was still single, why I still have a crappy job, why I felt so small, and mostly just asked him to hold me. He did and I slept for a few minutes. when I woke something had shifted. I didn't feel great, I just felt like I wasn't going to give up. I turned on some worship music and just declared that He was big enough in me to do anything through me and WITH me. His love is so much bigger than anything we could ever fathom. How could I feel alone and unimportant? All those dreams I have of fairy tale romance are already true in my life...the prince I've always dreamed of, gave up everything and died for me so he could be with me. He is ravished by me!

I kept repeating "I am victorious! I am Victorious! I am victorious! I am victory! I AM victory!"

That was weird...why did I say I AM victory...like it was my name? And then I remembered a funny story my family always told growing up. When I was born my grandpa hated my name, he refused to call me natalie and for the first year of my life called me Victoria. We used to laugh about how weird and stubborn he was for doing that. But now, I've taken a different perspective.

Perhaps my grandpa felt something about me ...like that name was just right for me.

VICTORIA (1) Gender: Feminine Usage: English, Spanish, Romanian, Late Roman Pronounced: vik-TAWR-ee-ə (English)  [key] Feminine form of VICTORIUS, though later it was regarded as coming directly from Latin victoriameaning "victory". It was borne by a 4th-century saint and martyr from North Africa. Though in use elsewhere in Europe, the name was very rare in the English-speaking world until the 19th century, when Queen Victoria began her long rule of Britain. She was named after her mother, who was of German royalty.

---

VICTORIA (2) Gender: Feminine Usage: Roman Mythology Pronounced: vik-TAWR-ee-ə (English)  [key] Means "victory" in Latin. Victoria was the Roman goddess of victory. From a young age I had victory spoken over me...so, no matter what happens I will remember that I don't need to strive for victory, that in Christ it is just who I am. He who is victorious lives in me so I no longer need to struggle, I AM victory, I AM Victoria. So thank you PaPa for seeing something in me that I would one day need to be reminded of, for seeing victory in me when I was too small to show it.

the art of play.

I haven't written in AWHILE! School has been so busy, but in this busyness God is reminding me of the importance of play in His kingdom. I have been so caught up in studying, learning, working, earning, striving, juggling, etc. that when I slow down I just want to sleep or turn off my mind or pray quietly in my room. All of those things are good, but I need to remember that God gave me the ability to laugh and again and again reminds us in scripture to be childlike.

So here, in the midst of my finals week and in the first week of summer for most people I just want to take a minute and remind you of PLAYFULNESS.

On Saturday night I went to see "Midnight in Paris" with my cousin, Heidi. Overall it was a silly love story but it had all the great modernist writers and artists in it ..

      Hemmingway

Dali

                TS Elliot

      Stein

              Picasso

you get the point.

The movie was based around people who moved to Paris to dream and create art. I was so jazzed...I want to do that! Maybe not Paris, but I want to live an adventurous life full of art and spontaneity and beauty!

Anyhow, after the movie we felt like little girls..seriously, we were ridiculous. We ran to cold stone and get ice cream, yum. Drove back to my house, put on PJs, sweaters, and of course 1920s hats and grabbed some blankets and books. We sat out under the stars and read aloud to each other for two hours... poetry and short stories and maybe some of my stuff I'm working on :)

It sounds so silly now, but it was so nice to be swirled up in fun, to not feel the weight of responsibility, to be a child who knew how to play still.

That's all, very simple, just a call for you to have fun this week :) 

Be young at heart.

"And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me..." Matthew 18

2 random thoughts.

As I spent some time in prayer this Sunday evening at home, I felt two random thoughts come to the forefront of my mind. I thought I'd share them:

1) I took a trip to Mammoth last week with my quirky Antioch Family. My friend Jae got a vision from the Lord that really shook me up. He said he saw an arm with really strong forearm muscles and really strong biceps, but the joints in the elbow, wrist, and shoulder were extremely weak. He felt like this represented the church. Individuals are strong but if our connections to other parts of the body are weak we are essentially ineffective. This year let's focus on strengthening not only ourselves but also on connecting more than ever to other believers. I dare you to ask God who in your church to love on this week, who to bless with an encouraging note (not a love note, that is stalking), who to buy a small gift for, who to go to lunch with, who to call that maybe you feel awkward around, etc...let's BE the church.

2) I try to remember as often as I can to pray for the victims of human and sex trafficking. In my opinion it is the worst crime the world has ever seen, it breaks the Lords heart and consequently my own. Today while I was praying the Lord led me to pray not only for the enslaved but also the captors. It felt weird, honestly. But we are to love our enemies, right? I prayed that the people at the head of this evil "business" would be softened, healed, and fall in love with Jesus. I realized that if they become radical lovers of Jesus, they would be absolutely the most effective people at tearing down the entire operation. So it doesn't have to be human trafficking, but whatever you are passionate about, pray for the people who look like the bad guys. If we can turn the bad guys of all crimes into Christians...what will the victims have to fear anymore? Pray big in 2011, God is moving like crazy..


that's all. :)

Maya Angelou and 2011

I don't know if everyone can feel it...but most of the people I've heard from can...the excitement of this new year. 2009 passed without much exuberance the same as 2003 and 1994. But something about this new year is different, something about 2011 is worthy of celebration and jubilee. The Spirit of God is moving in a new way, ready to pour out fresh blessings and revelation and growth.

On 1/1/2011 the Lord put it on my heart to read poetry every night before going to bed. I didn't think I owned any books that I hadn't read yet, but I found one on the shelf called Celebration, by, Maya Angelou. The very first poem in the collection shook me to the core. It almost felt prophetic. It encapsulated all of the things people had been talking about for the upcoming year, all of the things the Lord had been laying on my heart for 2011. As if the butterflies in my stomach weren't enough for me to know that the Lord was using this poem to speak to me....the next night I went to see Narnia (which is amazing) with some friends of mine (Mady and Maritza). Afterwards we went to Borders to look at the C.S. Lewis books and in the church theology section between Mere Christianity and Screwtape Letters was a very familiar book. In the completely wrong section was Celebration by Maya Angelou, just waiting for me.

We all sat down in the aisle and I read the poem to the girls. We made some  Nietzsche fans upset because we were blocking their section for the next 15min as we prayed, but it was a powerful time with God. Anyhow I thought I'd share this poem with you, I've bolded the parts that really stuck out to me.

On the Pulse of Morning

A Rock, A River, A Tree
Hosts to species long since departed,
Marked the mastodon,
The dinosaur, who left dried tokens
Of their sojourn here
On our planet floor,
Any broad alarm of their hastening doom
Is lost in the gloom of dust and ages.


But today, the Rock cries out to us, clearly, forcefully,
Come, you may stand upon my
Back and face your distant destiny,
But seek no haven in my shadow.
I will give you no hiding place down here. 

You, created only a little lower than
The angels, have crouched too long in
The bruising darkness
Have lain too long
Face down in ignorance.
Your mouths spilling words 

Armed for slaughter.
The Rock cries out to us today, you may stand upon me,
But do not hide your face. 

Across the wall of the world,
A River sings a beautiful song. It says,
Come, rest here by my side.


Each of you, a bordered country,
Delicate and strangely made proud,
Yet thrusting perpetually under siege.
Your armed struggles for profit
Have left collars of waste upon
My shore, currents of debris upon my breast.
Yet today I call you to my riverside,
If you will study war no more. Come,
Clad in peace, and I will sing the songs
The Creator gave to me when I and the
Tree and the rock were one.
Before cynicism was a bloody sear across your
Brow and when you yet knew you still
Knew nothing.
The River sang and sings on.




There is a true yearning to respond to
The singing River and the wise Rock.
So say the Asian, the Hispanic, the Jew
The African, the Native American, the Sioux,
The Catholic, the Muslim, the French, the Greek
The Irish, the Rabbi, the Priest, the Sheik,
The Gay, the Straight, the Preacher,
The privileged, the homeless, the Teacher.
They hear. They all hear
The speaking of the Tree.


They hear the first and last of every Tree
Speak to humankind today. Come to me, here beside the River.
Plant yourself beside the River.


Each of you, descendant of some passed
On traveller, has been paid for.
You, who gave me my first name, you,
Pawnee, Apache, Seneca, you
Cherokee Nation, who rested with me, then
Forced on bloody feet,
Left me to the employment of
Other seekers -- desperate for gain,
Starving for gold.
You, the Turk, the Arab, the Swede, the German, the Eskimo, the Scot,
You the Ashanti, the Yoruba, the Kru, bought,
Sold, stolen, arriving on the nightmare
Praying for a dream.
Here, root yourselves beside me.
I am that Tree planted by the River,
Which will not be moved.
I, the Rock, I the River, I the Tree
I am yours -- your passages have been paid.
Lift up your faces, you have a piercing need
For this bright morning dawning for you.
History, despite its wrenching pain
Cannot be unlived, but if faced
With courage, need not be lived again.


Lift up your eyes upon
This day breaking for you.
Give birth again
To the dream. 


Women, children, men,
Take it into the palms of your hands,
Mold it into the shape of your most
Private need. Sculpt it into
The image of your most public self.
Lift up your hearts
Each new hour holds new chances
For a new beginning.
Do not be wedded forever
To fear, yoked eternally
To brutishness. 

The horizon leans forward,
Offering you space to place new steps of change.
Here, on the pulse of this fine day
You may have the courage
To look up and out and upon me, the
Rock, the River, the Tree, your country. 
No less to Midas than the mendicant.
No less to you now than the mastodon then.


Here, on the pulse of this new day
You may have the grace to look up and out
And into your sister's eyes, and into
Your brother's face, your country
And say simply
Very simply
With hope --
Good morning. 

plain scenes (Christmas).

Saturday December 18^th was Antioch’s (my church) Christmas Show and it was phenomenal! The evening started with an hour of free desserts, chatting, and fair trade Christmas shopping. The lights dimmed at eight and the show started. Beautiful solo carols were sung, poetry was read, break dancers wowed the audience with their flips, worship was beautiful, and as the night was coming to an end a ballet was performed with a perfect 4 year old angel (Collette Curry) that stole the show.

There was also a live painter, Ashley Setzler, at the front of the stage all night. Her painting was displayed the next morning at Sunday service as well and as I worshipped, the Lord really brought it to my attention. At first glance it is a rather plain scene, a bare lamp stand, a light bulb with no shade illuminating a shabby brick wall covered in moss. But if you look long enough you realize that the orb of light coming off the bulb forms an ocean blue circle. That is at least interesting…brick isn’t usually blue. Then the moss begins to look too calculated, not just random splotches but perhaps something more intentional. And then the entire message of the painting becomes clear. Here is this rather ordinary looking site that upon closer inspection is actually setting the entire world alight.

            This really ministered to me. So many days feel so ordinary in life. Wake up, go to school or work, take out the trash, worry about spending too much money on Starbucks, make dinner, try and go out every once in awhile, get some sleep, do it again. I sometimes forget that I have the living God inside of me, the same power that rose Christ from the dead, that my Savior came to give me abundant life! Looking at this picture I felt challenged to let God use what I consider to be my very ordinary life to do unfathomable things. I felt challenged to take more risks for the Kingdom, to ask God for more divine appointments in my life, to use me to love a very dark world. In the midst of very ordinary moments God can use us to illuminate the world. When things feel cold, damp, dark, and moldy God surprises us with beautiful miracles that seem to come out of nowhere.

            Is this not the first Christmas story? A dark night, a young girl everybody thought was a tramp, no place in the hotels or motels, a baby being born in the coldest most unglamorous place imaginable…and then God did it. Lit the world on fire with the glorious miracle of his perfect son.

Identity.

Recently I had a dream that I believe was from the Lord.

 I was standing in the ocean with water up to my knees and my sister was standing next to me. I was holding my wallet in one hand and my license in the other. I accidently dropped my I.D.  into the ocean and had to scramble to get it as is rode up and down in the choppy water. This happened a few times in a row, I just wasn't paying attention to it and it would slip out of my grip. Eventually I did not retrieve it quickly enough and it was drawn out to sea, far out into the horizon. I became aware of a presence behind me on the shore. There was an overweight woman in a black bathing suit under an umbrella on the sand. She served as a "voice of wisdom" in my dream and had a New Jersey accent and a little bit of an attitude (don't tell me God doesn't have a sense of humor).

She said, "Oh don't worry about it honey, I've had that happen lots of times. Just pray that He'll bring it back to you, and He will."

I prayed and my license floated back to me. I picked it up and she chimed in again.

"Well no, don't be an idiot! Now that He has given it back to you put it in your wallet where it belongs!"

And so I did.

I woke up and God showed me that this was His answer to all of the prayers I shoot up to Him about identity.

Sometimes we drop our identities into things around us like it was a piece of trash, into unhealthy relationships, into hopes that our bosses will affirm us, into getting an A on that next test, into our possessions, looks, etc.

There is a place for our identities and His name is Christ. It sounds cheesy but He is our wallet, He is where our I.D. belongs and is most secure.

The problem is that we MUST be intentional. If we keep dropping our identity  into the ocean it is going to float so far away that we won't know who we are anymore.

I dare you to pray that God will bring it back, all of who you are and who He created you to be. But once He does it is up to you to pick it up, put it securely in Him, and make sure it isn't dropped again.
The main point in all this is that we are precious, our identities are precious to the Lord, and if we treat them like they are nothing we might lose out on everything He created us to be.

There is more to come on this subject that God showed me, so look out for more clarification in part two!

<3

denominations spenominations. and coffee.

I have gotten myself into a little routine I am loving. I workout early in the morning and then head across the streets for a cup of coffee, time reading scripture, praying, and writing. Today I was feeling guilty for not getting out of the house until 9am as compared to 5am. However, doesn't God always surprise us with His will when we think we have made a mistake?


As I sat in my seat, covered in sweat and reading scripture, I heard a sweet elderly woman's voice coming from behind me.

"Are you reading scripture??" she said.

"Yes," I replied.

"Oh, good for you sweetie! Do you have two minutes to hear a story about romans 8:28?"

"Ummm, sure?"

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

She told me that her and her husband were very worried about her son who was a sheriff in Moreno Valley, CA because of the gangs in the area. They began to pray everyday for his safety, thanking him in advance for any problems that would come up because they knew He would use them for good. 

A few weeks later her son pulled over a car full of gang members and was shot 3 times. One went through his shirt pocket and was caught by his bullet proof vest. Another grazed his wrist. Another went through his abdomen and out his back. Miraculously it did not rupture any organs or his intestines, he was perfectly fine.

Here is the kicker, this happened over 20 years ago and this woman, Ruth, was still beaming with joy about it.

Our conversation moved on and she told me she was part of a catholic movement that was involved in planting home churches with very tight community. I shared about my wonderful church, Antioch, that has the same heart although a different denomination.

As she walked away I began to realize how beautiful the interaction was. So  often there is a nasty divide between denominations and even churches. However this morning over espresso, the word of God and his loving miracles brought two women of different generations together with nothing but love.

We are the church, of every denomination, and I love to see the Spirit moving all of us in the same direction of tight, loving community.

Thank you my loving God and Friend.

the second law of thermodynamics and your life.

Here is a random thought I had in science class this summer:

ENTROPY: A MEASURE OF THE DISORDER IN A SYSTEM

LOW ENTROPY = HIGHLY ORDERED 

HIGH ENTROPY = VERY DISORDERED OR MESSY

SECOND LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS: 

IN ANY CLOSED SYSTEM (MEANING THAT NOTHING ENTERS OR LEAVES), NO PROCESS CAN OCCUR IN WHICH THE SYSTEM'S ENTROPY DECREASES.  IN OTHER WORDS, A CLOSED SYSTEM CAN'T BECOME MORE ORDERED (LESS MESSY) AS TIME GOES ON.

THEREFORE, THE AMOUNT OF DISORDER IN A CLOSED SYSTEM EITHER INCREASES WITH TIME OR IT DOESN’T CHANGE WITH TIME.  USUALLY, THE ENTROPY INCREASES WITH TIME, IN OTHER WORDS, A CLOSED SYSTEM GETS MESSIER AS TIME GOES ON.

In order to have growth and order in our lives we need to accept help from God and His body. When times get tough we cannot become closed systems that hide away from the world...if we do we will never grow and will become more disorderly by the day.




let us cast our cares on Him for he cares for us and His greatest desire is to see his children free from all the woes that he saved us from on the cross. Be transparent with our Abba and gain new strength from Him, be transparent with the church so that you can get advice, wisdom, and love when you need it and give life when others need it. My prayer is that the church would always be an open system...always gaining new energy from each other and God, casting all of our troubles on HIS shoulders, because He is infinitely able to handle it. That everyday we would grow in strength and order and grace.


Cast your cares on the LORD
       and he will sustain you;
       he will never let the righteous fall. psalm 55:22

mind cage.

Yesterday I had a lovely conversation with my friend Gracie. We were in my swimming pool in 107 degree weather. She was telling me about her trip to the Dominican Republic and all the miracles God had worked in her. I won't go into details here, for they are not mine to share. But she led me to realize something about myself.

We stayed in the pool as the sun was covered in thick gray clouds and the air was thickened with the smell of summer storms; a mix of fire and heavy dew. I realized that in social circumstances I get wrapped up in my thoughts, anxious about being loved by my friends, and what to say. In my time with God I am consumed with trying to picture exactly who He is and getting my heart in the right spot to meet him, making sure I read, journal and pray for others. I feel it is impossible for me to be present in moments that should be beautiful because I am caged in my own mind.

I know that seems a tad dramatic and easy to fix. I am sure everyone experiences this to some extent. However, it is truly my tormenter. The enemy turns bonfires into forest fires constantly in my thought life. Don't even get me started on my emotional life.

Victory:

However, last night Antioch had a prayer and worship night. As I was singing I was again enveloped in my thoughts, trying with all MY strength to focus on God and stop my mind from wandering to my grocery list. Then, He showed me. I had a vision that I was standing in a dark, dirty, dilapidated shack. A dusty wooden door opened before me to an amazingly bright orb of light. I was on the threshold of dark and light, freedom and shackles.

"God, I want out! I want to live in Your light, not in the confusing and ravaging thoughts in my head," My heart cried. But I know that I am so afraid to leave my cage. It may be full of germs and lacking light, but I am comfortable in my misery and can sulk without the interference of others. Outside requires me to be vulnerable, to be present means I will have to engage in relationship with no place to retreat. No back corner of my mind to analyze and escape.

This morning I woke up with immense peace and joy that could only be of God. The door has been opened, I have stepped into His light, no part of me wants to go back despite my fear...

He gave me this verse this morning:

Isaiah 28:16-17

¹⁶ So this is what the Sovereign LORD says:
"See, I lay a stone in Zion,
a tested stone,
a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation;
the one who trusts will never be dismayed.

¹⁷ I will make justice the measuring line
and righteousness the plumb line;
hail will sweep away your refuge, the lie,
and water will overflow your hiding place.

It may hurt for him to sweep away my hiding place but it is only a lie, nothing real. Surely the precious cornerstone will hold me in His arms and bring me into the glorious light of His joy an freedom.

One of those refreshing "awwwhhh" mornings.

This morning I was trying to have my quiet time with the Lord and things just weren't working out. I felt restless and like I was putting in all the effort. Turns out that was the problem. I went downstairs and got some Kashi Go Lean, added some fresh blueberries and strawberries and tried to relax.

I'm on a journey right now to live as royalty, as the daughter of the KING OF KINGS. I am craving so badly to see that change in me that I am exhausting myself with my own effort to morph. Luckily, that is not how the Kingdom works.

I laid down on my bed and God showed me something: that I expect the Spirit to show up mightily at church but feel too unworthy for Him to show up strongly in my alone time with Him. So for the first time in a long time I closed my eyes and invited the Spirit to come, and He did. I felt His presence around me and His peace and joy.

I have no idea how to explain it but I felt Jesus in me today. Not in a cheesy "OH yes the Lord is my home" kind of way. But in a physical heaviness and duality of spirit kind of way. I knew he inhabited every inch of me. I know that sounds crazy but He was just reminding me that the King of the Universe lives in me. That means I have all of His authority and love and royalty and grace abiding in me at all times. He whispered "I'm not going anywhere, I'll always be here," and peace filled my heart in a crazy way.

Scripture: Ephesians 1

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. ¹⁸I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, ¹⁹and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, ²⁰which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, ²¹far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. ²²And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, ²³which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

God also showed me this poem that really spoke to me about this experience, about resting and letting Him change me:

Black Swallowtail

by, Mary Oliver

The caterpillar

interesting but not exactly lovely,

humped along among the parsley leaves

eating, always eating. Then

one night it was gone and in its place

a small green confinement hung by two silk threads

on a parsley stem. I think it took nothing with it

except faith and patience. And then one morning

it expressed itself into the most beautiful thing.

Love Lessons.

So I know this is sounds cheesy, but this blog was inspired by a country song.

I was driving down the 215 and this song came one the radio. I'm a sucker for country and started crying, but I wasn't crying for the normal reason. The Lord was ministering to me through this crappy song.

If you want a brick home in a school zone

With the doors locked and alarms on

Girl, you’re way off track

I’m a little more country than that

I just want to make sure you know just who you’re getting under this old hat

Cause girl I’m not the kind to two time or play games behind your back

I’m a little more country than that

Yeah, I’m sure that you’ve heard those three words from Others

But they fell flat

But this ring ain’t some thing that I mean to give you

And then take back

I’m a little more country than that

My dating life has held a pretty steady pattern since I was 15. A very unhealthy pattern, sorry if you are an ex of mine reading this. I tend to wait a long time to date guys until they are wrapped around my little finger. I like to make sure I am in control... deep down I am really afraid of trusting someone enough to let them take care of me. Therefore I create situations in which I direct the relationship's course, no matter how manipulative I have to be, so that I am not vulnerable to being hurt, or someone really seeing me.

As I listened to this song I realized that this man really knew who he was. He was letting this girl know just what she was getting into. I want that, but I am afraid of that. That's when Pride and Prejudice entered my mind. (I know I am being a cheeseball this entire blog). But think about Jane and Darcy's romance. They are both very sure of who they are, neither one of them thinks they can change the other. And sure, this causes tension in the beginning but fireworks at the end.

God showed me that my dating life did not just apply to boys, but the Creator of the universe. I try to manipulate Him, control Him, direct our relationship's course. I exaggerate or manufacture emotions in prayer so that he will forgive me more easily, love me more, and bless me more.

What I am not realizing in my heart is the solidity of who God is. His unshakeable, unchangeable, unfathomable character. HE is and was and always will be the same. No matter what I do, He is going to act in His will. This may cause tension in the beginning, but like Mr. Darcy and Jane...fireworks in the end. I NEED a rock, shelter, and firm ground to stand on.

That is where the WORD comes in. I think it is time to stop reading to make my life easier, and to start reading to get to know my PaPa better. Because the truth is I don't have to manufacture anything. He already wants to bless me, has already forgiven me, and is madly in love with me just the way I am. I want to know just what I'm getting under his old...Yamaka? Fedora? I don't know what kind of hat God would wear...I don't think He would choose a cowboy hat though.

Thank you Lord for always drawing me nearer and nearer to Your heart, I am forever in awe of YOUR unending love.