seeing again.

When I look at my life and I can't remember who God is, can't remember that He can fill the busted-in holes in my heart or heal the severed limb I left  a few blocks behind me on the road of life—when I can't remember that he is not only capable of fixing and healing the scary dark hallways of my soul, but actually wants to, desires to save me daily...all I need to do is go to Antioch, my church (IAmAntioch.com).

               I don't mean this in the traditional sense. Not in the: wear a nice hat, smile a "blessed day, sister" or "great message, pastor," kind of way (although there was a great message this week!). But in the ~looking, the seeing and knowing the lives around me, the lives that have become more than family to me.

             

  It's in seeing darling Colette who has spent 12 of the last 24 days in the hospital, including her 7th birthday, at a level 8 pain...seeing her, Sunday morning in bedazzled silver shoes and pink-spring-dress dancing around the sanctuary like a prima ballerina; eyes closed, face upward to Jesus, hopping to "I exalt thee, I exalt thee, O Lord" and meaning every movement. It's this seeing that reminds me who my God is, the great redeemer-healer, yes! But also the one who holds hands at hospital bedsides, and allows mothers asleep on hospital chairs to wake up to smiling girls with the most precious words in that moment on their lips, “Mommy, I’m hungry”…and the healing-progress begins there in Him. I see Him in that mommy on her face worshipping thanks on Sunday morning. And I begin pray “Daddy, I’m hungry…for more of your love.”

It’s in opening my eyes to my friends, Ben and Tiff, who’ve been trying to buy a house for months with failed offer after failed offer—who want to fill it with adopted children—finding out that their dream home has dropped a miraculous $50,000 into their price range. That their landlord is, without need of any payback, gifting them thousands of dollars for their down payment that they couldn’t quite afford. Here, I see God as the joyful gift giver who loves to see dreams come true, who works in ways we didn’t see coming, who disguises his angels as investors and doctors and birds and Walgreens checkers.

I see Him in all the faces around me, some as close as relatives to me, others mere acquaintances—knowing about their lost jobs, newly discovered cancer cells, new babies, dreams coming true—and all equally with faces upturned and so much joy singing “there is power in the name of Jesus, there is power in the name of Jesus.”

All that...all that movement…gives me the strength to return home—to life—the power to remember that the fire that burned so close to my home the night before with its ashes like bullets aimed at my roof, threatening their destruction, is something I can say thank you for. Thank you for the way it threaded my neighbors together in instant community, kind and soft-spoken watching the flames, opening relationship doors where there hadn’t been before—and for Him that put out the fire before it touched anyone or any home.

“ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:37-39

So, God, whatever is left of me in this tired sop of a body, whatever sin and thought and apathy is clogging the wells of life you have placed in me—take it. Sweep it away—ashes for beauty. Fill me anew with your pure-water life. I want a whiff of the joy and peace and resolute purpose that only surface in your arms. The wide-eyed “wow” that slips past my tongue before I’m even aware of it when water breaks out of the gray muddled sky, a late spring rain. Enliven me—animate me.

I won’t run away from sin anymore. Instead, I’ll just run straight into your arms, straight into forgetting all those old ways of drain and empty and I’ll re-member fullness and hope and joy and wonder and awe. And I beg to be led to this decision and choose rightly, everyday. Amen. 

Accomplishment-fed Rest.

Walking out in the sun today, Holy Spirit soul-whisper rolled through me. Reminded me that the accomplishment-fed rest that settles me in bed at night, is not all there is. That swift movement and lots of check marks on my list, meant nothing if I hath not love.

I move through life so internalized on getting things done that when phone rings, Mom, I half-hover over ignore, before a tired half

‘hello?’

and grumble

‘the middle of something,’

 get back to sluggery of online glow job ads. Let Pinterest trickle through every 5 minutes or so as that ‘there’s still bright in life’ relief.

I farm more than just online—there’s gym, date, read, write, eat right, play, pay, pray, relax, God time, time with family, me time, going out time, look at the time time, forget the time time, instagram time—

When my day is checklisted and all to-dos, what life is there left in me but “I got a lot done today” (practically dead) sleep.

No, that whisper yelled—

                                    SLOW.

                                                DOWN.

                                               

                                                            It’s not about how much you get done—

                                                            but how you do it.

And while we’re at it…

                                                            Destiny isn’t what you accomplish

                                                            But who you are.

Is not the laughing farmers wife with muddied, glee-eyed kids greater in destiny than the full-pursed, Armani suit, with cinder eyes? Or even the serious, downtrodden missionary with no joy left for those he would save?

It’s scary, this slowing. This unbearable lightness of just—being. The slow soul that sees dappled green light leaves, the rib cage that opens enough to listen—the relationships that pipe fresh when you do…and all the hope that beauty floods. All piling up on that shambled roof called fear of disappointment, almost making it crumble. Under the weight, fear whimpers, ‘all will let down.’ Too heavy, the glory. So we hide. Again.

Get out the magazine, distract, list out all we desire. Our veil hanging by a thread, lace up our feet, all ready to complete more things when

                                                            BLAM

Some sunset, some stream’s quiet babbling charm, some arm, some ‘Daddy, up!’, some God-vision, some book, some poem, some dream, all SCREAM…WAKE! UP!

“Then you will look and be radiant,

your heart will throb and swell with joy;

the wealth on the seas will be brought to you,

to you the riches of the nations will come.”

Isaiah 60:5

He is doing something majestic in the earth and I want to see it, to really see it. Not just do it, like I have to make a grade, but drink in His glory with my soul and breathe awe at this human life.

Because it is not necessarily about how much you get done, but how you do it.

Remember who you are, be engaged. That your light may be seen bright and not shuffled behind the busyness of this world.

“Arise, shine, for your light has come,


    and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.

See, darkness covers the earth
    

and thick darkness is over the peoples,


but the Lord rises upon you
    

and his glory appears over you.

Nations will come to your light,   

and kings to the brightness of your dawn.

“Lift up your eyes and look about you:
    

All assemble and come to you”

Isaiah 60:1-4

Love, Natalie

The Poem as Mask

I am just a little bit obsessed with this right now. The Poem as Mask
by Muriel Rukeyser
Orpheus When I wrote of the women in their dances and wildness, it was a mask, on their mountain, gold-hunting, singing, in orgy, it was a mask; when I wrote of the god, fragmented, exiled from himself, his life, the love gone down with song, it was myself, split open, unable to speak, in exile from myself. There is no mountain, there is no god, there is memory of my torn life, myself split open in sleep, the rescued child beside me among the doctors, and a word of rescue from the great eyes. No more masks! No more mythologies! Now, for the first time, the god lifts his hand, the fragments join in me with their own music.

gypsy.

I've been obsessed with gypsies lately so here's a little Charles Simic poetry to celebrate gypsyhood:

I was stolen by the gypsies. My parents stole me right back. Then the gypsies stole me again. This went on for some time. One minute I was in the caravan suckling the dark teat of my new mother, the next I sat at the long dining room table eating my breakfast with a silver spoon.

It was the first day of spring. One of my fathers was singing in the bathtub; the other was painting a live sparrow the colors of a tropical bird.

Easy ways to save the earth: with water.

We use to not care a bit where we drank our water from:

Now we need an Aquafina, Fiji, or Voss water-bottle  to ensure that we are drinking purified and convenient water. I am talking about myself here as well. However, I have been making a conscious effort to decrease the excessive amount of plastic I use. When I am at home I drink water from the refridgerator in a glass, when I'm out I try to bring my refillable water bottle.  If you are freaked out by tap water then buy a Brita filter pitcher for your fridge! It's the little things that make a big difference, can you give up or decrease your water bottle usage to save the world?

Easy ways to save the world: buy a couch.

This blog is inspired by my sister Meghann Ramer and her fiancee Sean Bonesteele. 

In preparation for their future apartment they have been trying to save money for furniture and rent and such. Together they came up with "recycling for a couch." They began recycling bottles and cans and setting aside that money earned specifically for a sofa. Pretty soon my entire family got involved, they collected recyclables after parties, I began bringing a bag of bottles in my trunk every time I saw them. Before we knew it their simple idea changed the culture of our family from dumpers to sustainable livers!

Is there something special you can save up for by recycling? 

Imagine earning towards a prize while saving the world.

Easy ways to save the earth: with your toothbrush.

Today we are saving the world while we brush our teeth!

Awhile ago my professor mentioned this innovative product sold at Trader Joes: a tooth brush made from recycled yogurt cups. That may sound a little gross but they are 100% clean and here is the best part:
the toothbrushes come in postal  ready, pre-paid packaging, so when you're all done with it you can just slip it back in the original package and mail it off to the company. They re-recycle them and there are no more toothbrushes piling up in our landfills!


So, how much does saving the environment cost? $2.99 which includes the shipping cost, not bad for saving the planet!

Don't take my word for it, here's a review:
http://www.greenlivingonline.com/article/product-review-preserve-toothbrush

Easy ways to save the earth: at lunch.

Hey ladies and fellas...
I want to start a new little series of posts that are just periodic... about saving the earth! That sounds so overwhelming so I am just going to post simple ways to be nicer to creation, hope you enjoy!

Today, we are saving the earth at lunchtime!!!!

In my household we have a culture of using paper plates for breakfast and lunch. It's easier, we don't have to do dishes, and you can just toss them in the trash. However, I am now trying to use our ceramic plates and spend the extra time rinsing (with as little water as possible) and sticking them in the dishwasher. We are going to use the energy and water to run the dishwasher every night anyway so I might as well save some trees by using less paper plates. 

What are some habits of your household that you can change to SAVE the earth?

Sexy Little Bride Cupcakes.

Happy Bachelorette Party to my beautiful sister, Meg!

I thought I would post a little blog featuring the cupcakes I made for her party..mostly because I think the names I gave them were worth sharing ;)

Chai and Honey cupcakes for the honeymoon "sweet and spicy night"

She is getting married at Strawberry Fields Farm so this one was a little tribute to that!

Haha these ones are my favorites, I was putting the hershey's kisses on top and realized that if I put two it looked like boobies, hence the name "Sexy and Tempting Devil's Food cupcakes (w/ boobies!)"

The groom's mom also brought these little treats that I thought were so cute, lingerie cookies!


The big day is coming up quick, love you muff!

Cyborg.

         

            The Christmas season has come upon us and passed by so quickly... as it does every year. I was planning on writing this blog earlier...but I was too busy eating cookies. This year I have been fascinated by the cyborg element of Christmas.           
             Typically when we think of the word cyborg, images of half machine-half humans come to mind. However this term really just means the human body in direct collaboration with something else. According to theories by Derrida and Harraway it can include a blending with animal body parts such as a primate heart in a human body. It can even include our use of language (an invented tool) that allows us to think and speak. I want to take that concept a little bit farther and include Jesus as a cyborg, a blending of two things.
           
            Yahweh had unlimited options of how to get his son on earth: he could have materialized him at age 30, he could have had him be mary and joseph's son, or he could have had him arrive in a whirlwind of fire. But instead, he chose to partner WITH humanity. He overshadowed Mary and created his son as a hybrid of humanity and divinity, fully God and fully human.
         
           This is the supreme example of what he wants his church to look like. Ever since pentecost Jesus' followers have been cyborgs, fully human and yet filled with God in the person of the Holy Spirit. Our physical bodies are temples for God. God is not interested in doing everything for you while you sit on the couch. God is certainly not interested in you doing everything for him while he sits on the couch. Instead he is looking for a marriage.
         
         He called his church his bride for a reason, he wants to do things WITH us. When Mary partnered with God it created the most beautiful thing this earth has ever seen, Jesus. In this next season, let's partner with God and see what beautiful cyborgs (partly God, partly human) we can birth.
           

Songs of Freedom

In Your Arms

by, Meredith Andrews

I’m turning the world off
Embracing the silence
Walking away from all the voices
That are Screaming in my ear

I've been too caught up
I've been so stressed out
All of the noise replaced the whisper
That used to be so clear

So I close every door
Put my face back on the floor

And I'm in Your arms
Where I belong
There's no other place for me
Than right where You are
Some things just don't change
When I call Your name
You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace
When I'm in Your arms

I’m letting my fears go
Giving You control
For You are the one who holds me closer
In my soul's darkest night

Everything I see
Is so temporary
So help me to run the race before me
With eternity in sight

Now I close every door
Put my face back on the floor

To sit at Your feet
At Your table of mercy
To gaze on Your beauty, my Lord
To drink from Your well
And be changed by Your glory
How could I ask for more
Jesus, how could I ask for more

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtB9sctwH-A

Drama queen...or...Poet?

My whole life I have been labeled:

“drama queen”

                                                             “overly sensitive”

            “dramatic”

Granted, some of those instances I really was just being a pain in the butt. However, a discussion I had in my M.F.A. poetry workshop tonight helped me see myself in a new light. Perhaps this hypersensitivity is a positive quality in my life and not something I should wish to brush under the doormat.

Writers, and poets more specifically, are keen observers, sensitive to the world around them, aware, and not asleep. This is not some fancy way of saying, “ all poets are super emotional.” Instead it is the highest compliment (which, yes, I am indulging in giving myself as a poet). Poets, as discussed in class, are watchers of the world, unafraid to point out the injustices, inconsistencies, and oddities. When most can turn a blind eye and deaf ear to an issue for “convenience” or “comfort” it is the poets sensitivity that will force those issues onto the page until they are heard loud and clear, their words perhaps opening the blind eyes and deaf ears. If I may be so bold as to use this verb, they must endure this sensitivity so that they can be watchtowers for society.

Poets are unafraid of asking questions of the ineffable, pushing beyond even what language can express. They can push beyond mortality, ask questions that stir souls, and baffle readers with an entire experience in a few words.

I’ll stop this self-congratulating now and commission writers out there:

Accept this sensitivity as a gift…

Push boundaries farther than you feel comfortable with…

Watch the world around you with everything you have….

Write the truth; write with complete presence of mind heart and soul…

It feels good to find a niche, to realize my personality plays into something I love. So from now on I am going to try and embrace my hypersensitivity and be happy to be a watcher and feeler of the world around me to the fullest extent.

Merry cheer and light,

Natalie

Can I getchya s'more cupcakes, ma'am?

There is nothing more American than toasting marshmallows over a campfire, squishing them between sweet honey graham crackers, and watching chocolate bars melt in the concoction. It screams of fall and camping and childhood memories to me. 


Soooo, when my nephew's first birthday party arrived and the theme was camping, I was on a search for the BEST  s'more cupcake recipe, and believe me, I've found it. They combine a rich chocolate cake, savory graham cracker crust, melted chocolate center, and light fluffy marshmallow frosting, perfection!

These babies are tedious to make, but (and I don't say this lightly) completely worth it. This might be the most delicious cupcake I've ever eaten. Cute too, right?

LET's GET STARTED!!

I've adapted them from foodbuzz.com

WHAT YOU'LL NEED:

2 1/4 cups plus 2 tablespoons sugar
 1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
 3/4 cup plus 1 tablespoon cocoa powder (not Dutch-processed)
 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
 1 teaspoon salt
 2 large eggs
 1 cup whole milk
 1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 cup boiling water
 1 1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs (from about 20 squares)
1/3 cup unsalted butter, melted
9 ounces bittersweet chocolate, finely chopped (this is a time consuming job, a few bigger chunks won't hurt the recipe a bit) 

AND THE WORK BEGINS....

1. Preheat the oven to 350 

 2. Mix the 2 cups & 2 tablespoons sugar, flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, baking soda, and salt together into the bowl of an electric mixer and mix ingredients together on low speed.

3. In a large bowl, mix together eggs, milk, oil, and vanilla. Add to flour mixture and beat on medium speed for about 3 minutes. Add boiling water and stir to combine; set aside. 

4. Place graham cracker crumbs, remaining 1/4 cup sugar, and melted butter in a large bowl; stir until well combined.

*I used a potato masher to smash graham crackers. After that experience I would say a food processor would be a much better idea. They don't need to be perfect, either way.

5. Place 1 overflowing tablespoon graham cracker mixture into the bottom of each prepared muffin cup. Use the bottom of a small glass to pack crumbs into the bottom of each cupcake liner. The remaining graham cracker mixture is for the topping.

 6. Place a thin layer of chocolate  over the graham cracker crust...it should cover the crust. Transfer to oven and bake until the edges of the graham cracker mixture are golden, about 5 minutes. Remove from oven and fill each cup three-quarters full with cake batter. Sprinkle each with remaining chocolate and graham cracker mixture. Return to oven and bake, rotating pans halfway through baking, until tops are firm and a cake tester inserted in the center comes out clean, 18 to 20 minutes. Let them cool for at least 10 minutes before removing.

MARSHMALLOW FROSTING,

WHAT YOU'LL NEED:

 8 large egg whites
 2 cups sugar
1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract 

THE WORK...

1. Place egg whites, sugar, and cream of tartar in the heatproof bowl of an electric mixer. Set over a saucepan with simmering water. Whisk constantly until sugar is dissolved and whites are warm to the touch, 3 to 4 minutes. 

2. Transfer bowl to electric mixer fitted with the whisk attachment, and beat, starting on low speed, gradually increasing to high, until stiff, glossy peaks form, 5 to 7 minutes. Add vanilla, and mix until combined. Use immediately. 

*If the frosting is runny try adding powdered sugar and meringue powder

Then add a piece of hershey's chocolate and a wedge of graham to garnish, it's just like camping! Without showering in a river!

Party idea:

I had a lot of leftover frosting so I made it a dip for "mini do it yourself s'mores" on a platter and people were loving it!

These are a lot of work but so worth it for this little guy:

Happy Birthday Carter!

Love,

Aunty Mongo