I have BIG dreams in life, I want to change this place before I go, I want to make a difference and help people. I want to hold the victims of sex trafficking and let me them cry their stories until there is nothing left to be said, I want to feed the children in this world until they are full enough to run after the dreams they were created to fulfill, I want to love my husband with everything I am and be super woman for my children. I want to be a force to be reckoned with and a friend who can always be relied on. I want to be beautiful and loving and fierce and strong.
But today doubt crept in, I felt defeated, unworthy, and hopeless. Mostly I felt alone.
So what else was there to do? I prayed. I crawled into bed and cried, I wept and asked Jesus why I was still single, why I still have a crappy job, why I felt so small, and mostly just asked him to hold me. He did and I slept for a few minutes. when I woke something had shifted. I didn't feel great, I just felt like I wasn't going to give up. I turned on some worship music and just declared that He was big enough in me to do anything through me and WITH me. His love is so much bigger than anything we could ever fathom. How could I feel alone and unimportant? All those dreams I have of fairy tale romance are already true in my life...the prince I've always dreamed of, gave up everything and died for me so he could be with me. He is ravished by me!
I kept repeating "I am victorious! I am Victorious! I am victorious! I am victory! I AM victory!"
That was weird...why did I say I AM victory...like it was my name? And then I remembered a funny story my family always told growing up. When I was born my grandpa hated my name, he refused to call me natalie and for the first year of my life called me Victoria. We used to laugh about how weird and stubborn he was for doing that. But now, I've taken a different perspective.
Perhaps my grandpa felt something about me ...like that name was just right for me.
 VICTORIA (1) Gender: Feminine Usage: English, Spanish, Romanian, Late Roman Pronounced: vik-TAWR-ee-ə (English) [key] Feminine form of VICTORIUS, though later it was regarded as coming directly from Latin victoriameaning "victory". It was borne by a 4th-century saint and martyr from North Africa. Though in use elsewhere in Europe, the name was very rare in the English-speaking world until the 19th century, when Queen Victoria began her long rule of Britain. She was named after her mother, who was of German royalty. |
VICTORIA (2) Means "victory" in Latin. Victoria was the Roman goddess of victory. From a young age I had victory spoken over me...so, no matter what happens I will remember that I don't need to strive for victory, that in Christ it is just who I am. He who is victorious lives in me so I no longer need to struggle, I AM victory, I AM Victoria. So thank you PaPa for seeing something in me that I would one day need to be reminded of, for seeing victory in me when I was too small to show it. |
