Thursday, April 29, 2010

Doomsday With a Muddy Ending.

I really want to write about more uplifting things then I have been, but God has been talking to me a lot about end times.

In one sense obviously the end is BRILLIANTLY UPLIFTING. Heaven, being with my creator, all sickness and sorrow gone. Beauty like I have never known.

However, sometimes I get more caught up in the scary parts, the thoughts of friends and family who do not know Jesus, and my heart breaks. Famines, earthquakes (that part already seems to be here), and of course...persecution. That dreaded word that Americans use so easily when a high school girl gives them a bad look for wearing a NOTW shirt or someone calls them lame for going to church. Don't count me out of that, I hate being rejected, looked at wrong, or put down for loving Jesus. But the persecution that will come at the end of days scares the crap out of me because it is much heavier; beatings, jail, and even death for Jesus' name. I do not have Pauls mindset yet of rejoicing over these thoughts, but I want to.
There is a mystery I have not yet unraveled in which the Lord makes the worst hardships in His name the most beautiful things in life. The only thing I know for sure is that our God is famous for turning the bad into good, the ugly into beautiful, the sinful into righteous, the bloody into snow. He turned the suffering of the cross into eternal life for us all, he turned Mary the prostitute into one of the most beautiful women in history, he turned Saul the murderer into Paul the saint, He turned an insecure messed up me into a woman fully in love with Him. Yes, only He can take our days that are like a pit of mud and turn them into an adventure of joyous mudslinging with friends.
When I heard it, my stomach did flips.
I stammered and stuttered.
My bones turned to water.
I staggered and stumbled.
I sit back and wait for Doomsday...
(v.17 taken out)

I'm singing joyful praise to God.
I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
Counting on God's Rule to prevail,
I take heart and gain strength.
I run like a deer.
I feel like I'm king of the mountain!
Habukkak 3:16-19 (MSG)
I don't usually use The Message but I love this last image of turning cartwheels in the face of bad news because you are counting on God's rule to prevail. When God's Rule prevails we know there will be peace, love, joy, and grace.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I was driving into my neighborhood at night and my battery was dying. I flicked my lights on and off because they were going dim and that offended the driver in front of me. A huge man stuck his head out of the window with three of his fingers extended at me because I had flashed him three times, he flipped a U-turn on a side street and began to follow me. As I approached my house my battery completely died and I was forced out into the dark trying to find my way home, running from my enemy.

In God dreams a lot of times vehicles can be ministries, so a car would be my own personal walk with the Lord. It is dark outside and I can feel my light from the Lord going out as I drown in fear instead of looking to Him. The enemy sees this and begins to follow me. Eventually my battery will die when I am so close to home. I will get lost and consumed in the darkness... I believe it was a warning to be filled up again, to stay salty, to remember each day that I need the word, the bread of life, I need to listen to the spirit and commune with the only living God.

So today instead of fearing the future, instead of cowering at tomorow, I will rejoice in the Lord. I will be like a child at his feet, in the power of the spirit I will throw mud up in the air, roll in the leaves, turn cartwheels because no matter what the enemy brings, no matter what darkness lies ahead, I am "counting on God's rule to prevail."

journal Entry.

I am going to let this be sloppy because it is a journal entry for me. I just need to spew some thoughts into the world right now.

I am weary, I am so weary of trying to look like a Christian. Even at peaks in my intimacy with the Lord I spend more of my time finding things to do for Him or for my Christian image then just being with him. How did this relationship become so much about everything but the relationship?

I worry and fret about if I am showing fruits of the spirit, witnessing enough, serving in the right areas, if my words were encouraging all day, in a sense I am consumed with "sin management" and the projection of who I want people to think I am. I work so hard to be the "cool" christian who is not judgmental and expects the supernatural. By trying to be counter-cultural to the average conservative Christian I am only feeding the larger stereotype of the "fake Chrisitan" because I am not just being myself.

Oh Lord, let me receive the freedom that you died for me to have! My actions announce that I think that I can make up a better person than the Lord has made me. I am penting up all of myself in insecurity and I want that to stop, I simply want to be comfortable with who I am and not crave people's approval so very much!!

I find myself unafraid of tasks the Lord gives me, I can manage most of them in my own strength (rather sloppily), but I am terrified of entering into intimacy with Him. I know He will consume me entirely if I enter too deeply, I know there will be no turning back, I will get lost in His love and be a fool for His name.

"But if I say, 'I will not remember Him

Or speak anymore in His name'

Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire

shut up in my bones;

and I am weary of holding it in,

and I cannot endure it." Jer 20:9

I like holding onto the physical, things I know how to do and staying at a safe distance from the Living God where He doesnt't seem so very real.

Lord I pray you would open my heart to real communion with you, true obedience and reliance on you spirit, calm and peace in who I truly am in you. I pray I would not be running after an image I think you want me to have but rather I would finally know how beautiful You have made me.

You are the great I AM and however scary it is for me, will You please consume me with Your love and glory, may I feel You walk beside me constantly as a husband and friend and brother. Guide me Friend, comfort me Husband, whisper to me Creator.

I long to feel the weight and confidence of your wedding ring on my finger as I walk into a room.

"It will come about in that day,'

declares the Lord,

'That you will call me Ishi (husband)

and no longer call me

Baali (master)"

Hosea 2:16

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Blackberry Pear Cake.

Usually I stare at the apron wall in anthropologie with longing, wishing the logical part of my brain would leave for a coffee break, giving my impulsive side a chance to buy an amazing apron. With money I don't have. Thanks to World Market I found an amazing mustard and grey apron for $19 which gave me a great reason to bake. Hence the delightfully fattening, springtime inspired, blackberry pear cake on my counter.

1/2cup cream butter
1cup white sugar
2cup flour
2tsp. baking powder
3/4cup milk
1/2tsp. vanilla
2 cup fresh blackberries

Wash and drain berries; set aside. Beat butter and sugar, add egg and beat until fluffy. Sift flour and baking powder together, add alternately with milk. Add vanilla.
Fold in blackberries. Pour into 9 inch pan. Bake 40-45 min at 350 degrees.
Cool and ice with homemade butter-cream frosting (powdered sugar, milk, and butter),
one sliced pear, and candied pecans.

The pear soaks really nicely into the frosting and makes it taste so yummy!

And this is my new apron :-) God bless!!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

hip parents.

My parents and I have been daydreaming for two years of having an organic vegetable garden. In my mind there would be a small square plot of damp dirt in the yard with little rows of basil, tomatoes, and blueberries. However, my step dad had a bigger and better plan. He constructed a 20x30 enclosed wooden garden that protects the plants from rabbits, squirrels, bugs, and birds. The garden gates protect butter & romaine lettuce, corn, carrots, spinach, green beans, wax bean, squash, pumpkin, Ruhbard, onions, shallots, radishes, leeks, tomatoes, cucumbers, garlic, watermelon, cantaloupe, korbala, bell peppers, chile peppers, basil, lavender, parsley, sage, thyme, dill, chives, blueberries, potatoes, strawberries, gooseberries, and more are on their way in the mail...

Something I love about a garden is how biblical it is. It is so interesting that we were created as vegetarians in E'den, fully satisfied in the fruits of the trees. Are we getting closer to holiness by getting back to that original sinless way of life? Do vegans have it all right? The in-n-out lover in me says no... is it possible still to be satisfied entirely on the earth's growth?

Friday, April 23, 2010

Still thinking about earth

(A flower pot on my desk at sunrise, wrote a poem)

The Hum of Life
Succulent night of mine
Can one describe
The childhood intimacy
When the sun lets her rays fall
Wrap around
Kiss your cheek
Can anyone tell of
Wide virgin eyes of mystery
When diamonds are thrown out graciously
Into placid lake
Or sown on the dark sheet
Slumbering above
Oh who has heard
The hushed breathy whisper
Of willow trees. Tulips. Rustling wings.
All swaying. with your breath.
Inhale. Exhale.

How connected when alone in the transparent grass
How open with the creation of His hands
As I hear the hum of life
I am one with the hum
I taste the sweet, deep yearning
Inhale. Exhale.
I want you, at this spot
On X we shall sit
We shall be one in the hum
Need drips and floods

Through the door
Into a soft nook
We crept
Pollinating lips
Blossoms of neck and shoulder

Thursday, April 22, 2010

The Earth

(taken in blackberry season by Lake Merced in San Francisco, CA)

I have so much to say about nature and how important it is for our spirituality and sanity, about my worries for the next generation that spends an average of 7min a day outside, about how Satan is using industrialization to take away God's invisible qualities from our eyes, about that overwhelming feeling of joy, peace, and childlike curiousity and adventure that accompany the outdoors, but instead I just want to leave you with this quote and this photo and say Happy Earth Day and goodnight.

To speak truly, few adult persons can see nature. Most persons do not see the sun. At least they have a very superficial seeing. The sun illuminates only the eye of the man, but shines into the eye and the heart of the child. The lover of nature is he whose inward and outward senses are still truly adjusted to each other; who has retained the spirit of infancy even into the era of manhood. His intercourse with heaven and earth, becomes part of his daily food.

Nature (1836)

Friday, April 9, 2010

Son rise

So this is officially my first blog! I am pretty sure that everyone has a blog but for some reason I have been really hesitant to start one. I am afraid I will write the world's greatest poem and someone will steal it because I was dumb enough to post it online. Or I will say something too personal and suddenly half the United States will know my secrets. I have however come to the humble and hard conclusion that I am writing for maybe 2 people who happen to see the link on facebook.... its hard to admit I'm not a famous writer yet I guess. :-)
I want to write about my morning with God for this first post. It seemed ordinary because everything is anticlimactic at 6 am, but as the day progresses I am getting more and more excited about it.

At 5:55 AM I was stirred from my sleep by God. I know that seems presumptuous to say that it was God that woke me up, but I haven't used an alarm clock more than 3 times in the last year. I just let Him wake me at the right time. Often times this has led to him waking me up way earlier than I would choose to and my being prodded by the spirit to go downstairs and watch the sunrise with Him. This all sounds romantic unless you're the one getting up while it is still dark.
This morning started the same as the others, with me wrapped in a cranberry colored down-blanket in the middle of the stairs, watching the horizon become visible as it turned from black to blue. I had my same wavering attitude of appreciation for beauty and complete annoyance at being awake. I wish I appreciated those times with Him more.
Because I got there sooo early it seemed like a lifetime before the first light would show. Black turned to blue, then lighter blue, then yellow, then orange that is supposed to quickly melt into those first rays. This morning they were not coming, it could possibly have been the slowest sunrise in the history of mankind and I got so impatient. Typically I go back and lay down after the sun is actually up. So despite a sense that I needed to wait for first light I wanted so badly to crawl back into bed and even said aloud,
"The sun will never come up, I am just going to go back to sleep."
My whole family was asleep so I don't know what posessed me to say that out loud. A heavy silence fell around me and I knew God heard something different when I said that...
"The SON will never come, I am just going to go back to sleep."

God began to unravel that thought in my mind, that really is my attitude right now. Jesus coming to earth on the clouds seems like a fantasy, something entirely far from my everyday reality. There's no urgency in my faith. I am asleep.
If I knew without a doubt, truly believed I was going to see him like a thief in the night then wouldn't sin seem like it was not even an option anymore? I wouldn't want to be caught in that act when my true love came to save me. Wouldn't I love that family that doesn't know him like there was now tomorrow? (literally). I would pursue God much more fervently and build our intimacy since we would be living together shortly.
Instead I live asleep. I say I believe in God, that I love God. But is God a concept and idea to me? or a PERSON?A person who happens to be the creator of the universe. How does that effect my actions? I want to stop blowing my family off when I am in a bad mood . I want to stop letting the smallest excuses be enough to get me to sin. I want to get off facebook and get into my word to pursue him with all my heart, body and soul.

Is the King coming on the clouds reality to us as American Christians? Do we pray he will come soon? Do our actions reflect that we believe he is coming?

"Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. 8All these are the beginning of birth pains." Matthew 24:7 (NIV)





All of these countries know
that the end is near first hand...
What will it take to get us
for the thief in the night,
for our lamps to be constantly
filled with oil,
for us to be caught in
acts of love
at the end of the age?